


Registration Day

by Tempxtempx



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Night Vale High School
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 13:04:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4061068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tempxtempx/pseuds/Tempxtempx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Registration Day at Night Vale High School. Plus, a list of things forbidden during lunch, new anti-cheating measures, and the yearly Opening of Lockers.<br/>An episode-like fic which contains references of events up to episode 28 but only has one fairly mild spoiler and can be enjoyed no matter where you're at in the series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Registration Day

Hey, we heard the presidential hopefuls were coming to town soon in order to campaign. Which is pretty weird, since we thought a couple of them were still locked up under the abandoned missile silo. Huh. Welcome to Night Vale.

Well, listeners. I'm sure you all have noticed that there's been a lot of activity down by Night Vale High School in the past few days. Increased presence of the Sheriff's Secret Police, more helicopters than _usual_ in the sky, and, according to some reports, an increased sense of seemingly unprovoked panic. That's right, it's getting to be that time of year again - time to get the kids back to school so they can learn about the important things in life! Like, conformity. And fear.

Today I'm reporting to you live from Night Vale High in order to cover Registration Day. So be sure to pay extra close attention if you are a current student, a parent of a current student, or if you're a former student who just _really misses_ their days walking these halls... ha, who am I kidding? You made it out alive, congrats!

The principal called a meeting in the auditorium earlier today in order to cover some new changes in the school's handbook. Due to a dramatic increase in cheating last year, students are no longer allowed to bring their own arms or hands to class on test days. Students will be provided with school-owned arms, which will prevent students from writing answers on themselves in advance.

Due in part to new region-wide guidelines, the principal reports, fitness classes are now required for students in all grades. Fortunately, there are several options to choose from: Gym, Running, Advanced Running, Dance, Fitness, Fitness for German speakers, Fitness in 19th Century Latin America, Extraterrestrial Exercises, and Dodgeball. Course listings have been updated to reflect these changes, and you can see brief descriptions of each of the classes there. Classes will be filled on a first come, first serve basis, so be sure to sabotage the attempts of your peers to sign up before you.

In reaction to recent budget cuts, the school has made the tough decision to end funding of the chess team. Chess boards and pieces are now prohibited on school premises. The principal pointed out that this should significantly reduce the damaged caused by the knights, which, as you know, have the tendency to escape their confines and go on destructive rampages.

The principal ended his speech by noting that, "The principal is not your pal. I don't know who started this rumor, but it is getting on my nerves, and if I hear even one of you say it, well. The principal is Not. Your. Pal. NOT. Your. Pal." He then turned into several bats, a large dog, and a tortoise and went back to his office.

A list of things prohibited during the lunch hour: Leaving the premises, unless you are in the second semester of your senior year and have received permission from last year's football coach. Talking to fellow students. Making unusually meaningful facial expressions at fellow students. Talking to the spirits of former students who we all know still haunt these halls. Anything that would bring too close scrutiny from the Sheriff's Secret Police. Bribing the cafeteria workers for the best slice of pie. Bribing the janitors to not "clean" your food off the table and take it for themselves. Crying.

Crying is especially prohibited.

Listeners, I have finally made my way down to the offices, which are still located in the north-northwest corner of the basement - just like they were when I was a student here! There is quite the line of students here waiting to pay their school fines and fees!

School fees are such an interesting way of looking at changes in our school history, don't you think? Why, with fees, you can track just what was important to us as an educated community at a particular time in the history of our town. For instance, there is no longer a plow fee like there was when I went here... in fact, I don't think they even offer the farming class anymore. But now we have things like the telescope fee both for students studying Astronomy and for those taking Advanced Surveillance, and the wormhole fee that everyone has to pay so some of our non-local teachers can make it to school every day. Isn't that just fascinating?

However, one thing that never changes is just how difficult it is to figure out which fees you should be paying, and you don't want to accidentally underpay. I've seen the fines and fees list for this year, and it's a startling twenty five pages long! This is still short of the 1983 record of twenty eight and a half pages, but it's the longest we've seen in many, many years nonetheless. Here's a tip - carefully read the entire booklet, and note which fees you need to pay. Add all those up, and then add a decent amount on top of that. That's how much you pay. The office workers are nice and benevolent, but they will not remain that way if you try to avoid paying your Pencil Sharpener Usage fee. If you get on the bad side of an office worker, well. Good luck to you.

Good news for those students being detained by secretive government agencies: this year, Night Vale High School will begin posting all their lesson plans, homework assignments, textbooks, and videos of class lectures online! This will allow students who are ill, incarcerated, or temporarily in another dimension to keep up with their classes. Remember, kids, being held in a government-owned shack in the middle of the desert is no excuse for not keeping up on schoolwork.

And now a word about school libraries. Most people know that libraries are dangerous by the time they reach high school, but for many students the only time they will ever set foot into a library will be to complete their yearly research paper. Of course, you are allowed to use books from home, if you have them, or even interviews if you know someone who was involved with your research topic, but there _is_ a requirement that at least three of your books must come from a library. Many students will choose to ignore this requirement, but for those who want to go the extra mile and attempt full credit on their papers, here are some tips.

Try to visit the library at an unusual time, say during the weekend, or shortly after dinner. Librarians will not be expecting students at those times, so you will have a slight advantage. Do not visit the library when the sun is down. Librarians may be nocturnal, and being in the dark makes it pretty difficult to find the books you are looking for. When visiting the library, try to be as quiet as possible. When visiting the library, do not pause too long to stare at the Dewey Decimal chart. This leaves your back unguarded, and many students have been attacked at this location. Finally, if you go alone to the library, do not attempt to check the books out. Check-outs are inherently dangerous and should not be attempted unless with a group.

Reminder: librarians are very dangerous, however any fellow students trying to get you to read their favorite book are not _inherently_ dangerous. Please do not attack them.

The students have just received their locker assignments and have been dismissed to proceed to The Opening. Now as you know, these lockers have been closed for at least two months, since school ended last year, and their new owners must exercise great caution, as there's no way to tell what state their lockers will be in. Empty lockers are the ideal habitat for lost homework assignments, which are constantly on the run during the school year, but during summer will take up residence in an unused locker and regain their strength. Here with me now is senior Avery Eastmore, and they've agreed to tell us a little about their Opening strategy. Avery?

"Hello Cecil! Well we're about to start the Opening soon. Seniors and juniors go first, as always, in order to demonstrate how it's done to the younger students. This will be my fourth Opening, so I've got a lot of experience, plus last year I helped out a few freshmen who were having trouble."

Now, I've heard that a lot of students, freshmen especially, are scared to use their lockers after seeing what The Opening is like. Do you have anything to say about that?

"Yeah, people at this school are so afraid of lockers sometimes, but I'm like, whatever, guys, at least I don't have to carry five textbooks in my bag. Honestly the first day is always the worst. If you keep your locker neat and tidy and use it every day, there's really very little chance that you're going to get even one lost assignment hiding in there, much less an infestation like you see after summer break. And besides, I like to think of this I think about the rest of school. It's training for when we get out in the real world and become adults."

So I see you have some tools with you, can you talk us through what's going to happen here today?

"What I'm carrying with me right now is the essential Opening toolkit. Of course, other students use different methods, but this one has never failed me. So this is my flamethrower, which I made over the summer two years ago. It's pretty small but it gets the job done. Next I have this key, which I stole from the principal's office, because they won't give them to students. Now is not the time to try out your locker combination. Do that _after_ you've cleared out lost assignments. Opening your locker with the combination will take much longer than with the key, and that gives the assignments enough time to prepare to attack. You want to get in there quick. These gloves are super thick and will protect my hands from any bites that I might get. The fire extinguisher goes on the floor next to my locker until all the assignments have been subdued."

And what's that you've got under your arm there?

"This is my copy of Hamlet. Three years ago they found a librarian in one of the lockers, and that didn't go very well. So I carry a copy of a good book in case that happens again."

That sounds terrifying. Oh, I see The Opening is about to start!

"Yes, I'd better go. Thanks for having me!"

No, thank _you_ , Avery.

The Opening is about to begin. Avery is lined up next to their locker, as are all the other older students. The freshmen and sophomores are huddled at the end of the hall in quiet, fearful anticipation. In front of them is standing the Administrator. She is tall. Her back is straight. She opens her mouth, and a deep voice proclaims, " **BEGIN** " A mighty rattle sounds down the hall as the students all begin to open their lockers. As the first doors are yanked open, a loud rustling joins the rumbling, the sounds mixing and growing and growing, louder and louder and... And now -

And now, [the weather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyJChP-mzqw).

Well. It has been quite the Registration Day this year, listeners. The event is officially over, and now we are all sitting in the parking lot, tending to our wounded and enjoying the glow of the bonfire made of all the assignments the students have defeated. It was a good Opening, to be sure. Many assignments were subdued, and only a few injuries were sustained. I can see Avery over on the other side of the fire. They are sitting next to their friend, patting his back as he is being tended to by a nurse. Parents are reuniting with their children after this trying afternoon, and they are going home. They can forget about school again for a few weeks before the first day of classes. They can be at peace.

Before I leave today, I want to offer a few bits of advice to the incoming freshmen, and for anyone else who might need them. Always bring extra pencils to class. You never know when someone will take one. Don't bring valuables to school. Respect all your teachers, as they are powerful and you are not. Do not bring bloodstones to school. Please do not bring bloodstones to school. Do your assignments on time. Avoid choosing a seat directly in the teacher's line of sight. This will help you blend in.

Next up, a barbershop quartet, covering the top Nu metal hits of the past ten years. Good night, Night Vale, good night.

**Author's Note:**

> When I was editing this story I went back to check how librarians/libraries work and I realized that I'd accidentally taken my portrayal of librarians from this amazing work: http://archiveofourown.org/works/914801
> 
> It is the most amazing Night Vale fic I've ever read and I highly recommend it.
> 
> The idea of this fic came from my friend Margaux when they were talking about their (real life, slightly less dangerous) registration day last year. The character of Avery is sorta based off them, and that one quote about "at least I don't have to carry five books around in my bag" is theirs from when they were talking to me about it.
> 
> If for some reason you ever want to lift the Administrator from my fic and put it into your own, in my head she's always introduced with "She is tall. Her back is straight."


End file.
